I swear on my mother’s skirt, l am innocent

THERE was a time l told you folks, that it seems my poor body is a very good magnet for trouble, because no matter what I do, trouble is always around the corner, looking for me.

I can decide to talk to no one, seclude myself to a silent corner, being a bother to no one, but somehow something will turn up to violate that peace.

And the problem is, when this trouble sniffs me out and find me anywhere that l might be hiding, it becomes a challenge to convince someone that I am innocent.

Most of the time the fighting with the mother of my small clan on the outskirts of Manzese involve these misunderstandings, and the major problem is that before you try to explain anything to that war-like Nyakiusa woman, the greasy frying pan has already done it’s job on my bald head

This time around my innocent self was involved in another misunderstanding with Mama Boyi simply because my caring nature told me that I should save a friend’s life.

There is an old Swahili saying, which says “Wema wangu umeniponza”, which simply means ‘My kindness has cost me’, and that is exactly what happened.

This Swahili saying recently involved my office, where the management thought that because they care for their employees, they should take the responsibility of saving their lives.

Their kindness, if l can call it that, trickled down to me, and in the same spirit I decided that l should also save a friend’s life, by being generous.

About two weeks ago we were shocked when some people, under the instructions of the management, installed a strange box in all the toilets, which might appear innocent, but the thing is, the boxes contained free condoms.

Most of us know that gadget called a water dispensing machine, where you can go with your glass and fill it with cold or hot water, but these boxes we found in our toilets happened to be condom dispensing machines, where you can go and pull out free condoms.

Of course there are several fellows who were thrilled with the idea, because l believe they make good use of the stuff, but for yours truly, things were different.

As soon as I saw the boxes in the toilet l went straight to my boss’s office to find out why they did not think of a noble gesture of installing beer dispensing machines in all the strategic areas in the office, where you can fill your glass to the brim with very cold or warm beer, instead of putting those useless condom boxes.

“Baba Boyi, you should know that unlike you who think that life starts and end with beer, there are others who need these condoms, because in a man’s life emergency cases happen, where you are in dire need of protection but none is available,” he told me with pride in his voice.

I tried to reason with him, telling him that for someone to find himself in a room with the opposite sex with no protection in his pocket is stupidity of the highest level, because it is a prearranged thing, it doesn’t pop up from nowhere.

I told him that having beer dispensing machines in the office should be termed as a humane act, because someone might be having difficulty breathing because of serious thirst, but several sips of the frothy liquid might be able to save that person’s life.

The fellow looked at me the way a bishop looks at a stripper in church and ordered me to get out of his office unless l itched for a stern memo for insubordination.

Anyway, being a caring fellow, I remembered l have a friend of mine who is a very good user of condoms, so my caring heart convinced me that because they are already there, l might as well take several for him

I know some of you are shaking your heads in denial and disbelief, but l swear what l am telling you is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

I even called the fellow and told him about the free condoms, and the chap was delighted, and he told me that I should take enough for him, “For future use”, the guy told me.

So, just like the good friend that l am l went to the toilet and pulled about 9 condoms and stuffed them in my pocket, telling myself that l will hand them over to the fellow when we meet later that evening.

Trouble for me did not start when l stuffed those condoms in my pocket, trouble started when l failed to meet with the chap and l completely forgot about them.

Several days ago my wife asked for money to send to her sister who was marched to the police station in Mbeya because she borrowed money from her friend and failed to pay it back, and because there is no love lost between me and her terrible sister, I told her that I did not have the money.

For those of you who do not know my wife, l should tell you that she is one of those people who can never be accused of taking no for an answer, that is why most of the time when I tell her that I don’t have money, she has to cross check, and one of the methods she always use is to check my pockets when I am in deep slumber.

So I know it should not be a surprise to tell you that as soon as she made sure I was deep in sleep, she went for my pockets on my trouser which was hanging innocently behind the bedroom door.

When the greasy frying pan landed on my head, l thought that someone was knocking on heavens door, but the second strike told me that I was still on earth, but l was about to join my ancestors in the most unceremonious way.