Destigmatising single parenthood

DAR ES SALAAM: IT’S party time at Mr M’s residence. His daughter has just completed high school and is about to join university, a milestone worth celebrating. The atmosphere is exactly as you’d expect: Lively and warm.

There’s plenty of food and drink, music fills the air and guests move easily between dancing and conversation. Most of the attendees are couples, proud parents of educated children.

They gather in small groups, praising their hosts while swapping stories about the challenges of raising disciplined, well-rounded kids in today’s world. As the evening progresses, the drinks begin to loosen tongues.

Conversations grow louder, laughter comes more easily and the mood becomes even more animated. Just when the party feels like it has hit its peak, two women arrive, fashionably late, but making an entrance that more than makes up for it.

They walk in with confidence and grace, their presence immediately turning heads and adding a fresh spark to the already vibrant evening. The men seem to be fixated on the two ladies’ grand entrance.

The women however, seem to throw glances at their husbands just to make sure they don’t become too excited because the two ladies are single mothers, a role that is tainted and is normally seen as disgraceful and is disapproved by society.

Single parenthood stigma

Conversations around single parenthood are rarely pleasant. A while back, many single parents were mothers and they carried with them a heavy load on their shoulders, of rejection, humiliation and shame and were seen as less morally upright. Society grouped them as failures in life with questionable manners and behaviour.

Today, single mothers are still too aware and overly self-conscious of the silent intimidation in form of stares and unfriendly facial expressions when attending social functions such as parties, gatherings in places of worship or during school activities where they’re required to show up to support their children in games and sports or when it is that time to get first hand academic progress reports from their teachers.

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Single parenthood by choice or by fate? Single parenthood for women normally happens either by fate or by choice. A woman may realise that her reproductive biological clock is ticking fast and her fertility is declining. Her desire to be a parent may compel her to get a child and hence become a single mother by choice.

On the other hand a woman may decide to escape from a toxic marriage i.e violence, fear and intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, too much control from a husband and contempt can make a woman opt for a divorce, be a single mother than stay in an unhappy marriage and hope for a happier life alone with her child or children.

A woman may also find herself as a single mother from a one night stand or rape which can be termed accidental and beyond her control.

Enter single fathers

Currently, we are seeing a growing number of single fathers who are proudly and actively caring for their children.

This reflects changing times and evolving social values. Single parenthood is increasingly being viewed with greater understanding and compassion, less as a moral issue and more of a conscious decision to pursue a less stressful life, while remaining committed to providing children with a happy and stable upbringing- even when the marital bond between the two parents end.

Single fatherhood, in particular, often requires men to take on nurturing roles that have traditionally been associated with mothers, while still fully embracing their role as primary providers. This dual responsibility can be challenging, especially when it comes to meeting children’s emotional needs, which are often linked to maternal presence and care.

However, with willingness and dedication, many single fathers adapt and succeed in creating loving and supportive environments for their children. With time, single fathers exude confidence and are always proud to display, albeit subtly, their well- mannered children in public.

To my single parent reader

Being a single parent is not a sin and should not stop you from enjoying life. What happiness looks like is different for everyone, shaped by individual circumstances. As a single parent, focus on finding your own unique sense of joy, the kind that brings true satisfaction.

Your situation may feel overwhelming at times, but it is often not as daunting as it seems. Take pride in creating a happy life for yourself and your children. Watching your children grow into responsible loving adults is far more fulfilling than the regret that can come from withdrawing out of fear or shame.