Taifa tales: Turning AFCON into a comedy extravaganza

GREETINGS sports enthusiasts, humour aficionados, and the distinguished professional ‘Wachambuzi’” – those erudite armchair critics with opinions as abundant as their football knowledge is scarce!

Welcome to the debut of our Sunday Sports Giggles – a column where sports transcend mere competition to become a side-splitting tragicomedy.

For starters, picture this: Taifa Stars take centre stage in an AFCON performance that even bad luck wants a refund for.

And as our valiant boys returned home amidst a cascade of sugary congratulations for their “job well done,” it became apparent that turning the football field into a makeshift comedy club was all part of the master plan.

Or was bad luck just a front-row spectator? Or were the football gods testing our collective sense of humour?

Bravo, Taifa Stars, for turning an AFCON assignment into a comedic masterpiece that left even comedians green with envy.

The excuse of bad luck was tossed around like a hot potato, leaving us wondering if luck itself decided to pull a prank on Tanzania.

The disappointment was met with the groundbreaking revelation that failure is, in fact, bad luck – a philosophical gem worthy of deep contemplation.

So, fellow Tanzanians, let’s rally our spirits, for not every day does a football team gift the world with a masterclass in unpredictability.

And let’s not forget the goodwill from the top is always there. For instance, the staggering 500 million/- carrot dangled in front of the players just for a victory against DRC.

That is, elevating the “goli la mama” token from 10m/- Tshilings per goal to half a million USD for the whole team – that’s serious commitment.

Clearly, we’re not playing in the minor leagues of token incentives anymore. So where did we go wrong?

Anyway, rumours abound that hosts Ivory Coast generously offered lessons in tournament preparation, symbolised by their huge turn up and spirited cheers for the Stars when they faced Mayele.

Perhaps they brought a secret manual titled “How to Avoid Football Fiascos 101,” shared in the spirit of international sportsmanship.

Or maybe, just maybe, it’s just a friendly gesture ahead of the 2027 AFCON to be co-hosted by Mama Samia, Brother Rutto, and Mzee Kaguta in Tanzania, Kenya, and Uganda, respectively.

Tanzania, take notes – fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

Ivory Coast’s football lessons reportedly include avoiding back passes from the opponent’s penalty area to your keeper the entire afternoon.

Not being able to muster a shot on target even during training is another lesson worth heeding.

And prayers, apparently, work both ways – the “tunaomba dua zenu” plea goes out to all humanity, not just Tanzania.

Crucially, the lessons emphasise not repeating stupid mistakes – like recruiting “wachambuzi” and comedians to the AFCON winning committee.

While Ivory Coast brought football legends to motivate players, we opted for blah blah and stand-up comedy competitions.

This move will go down in history as one of our most questionable decisions, akin to Stars’ back passes.

So, as Tanzania gears up for a fourth AFCON appearance, let’s set aside high hopes, miracles, duas, and comedy clubs.

And ask ourselves the pressing question: How can Tanzania transform from football minnows to a roaring success story in the next AFCON?

Well, don’t let the AFCON 2023 blunder dampen your spirits.

If we genuinely mean business and prepare hard, then the next AFCON is practically in the bag!

May the Taifa Stars shine bright, or at the very least, dazzle us with their back-passing dance moves on the field – again!