Grandparenting isn’t one-size-fits-all
RECENTLY, a friend who became a grandparent called me, worried that there must be something wrong with them since they didn’t immediately fall in love with their grandchild when the child was born.
I listened and reassured them that it didn’t make them a terrible person/ grandparent, and that for many people, it takes time to develop a relationship, and instant love is not a requirement!
There are so many responses that people have when they become grandparents.
There is the assumption that everyone who becomes a grandparent will immediately love it and fall in love with their grandchild. I’ve heard from many patients and friends about differing reactions to becoming grandparents.
It may be difficult to voice any ambivalent reactions when you often hear from people, “Aren’t you excited? It’s the best club in the world!” In addition, for many people, some of their struggles and concerns in becoming grandparents may be connected to the types of relationships they had with their parents and grandparents or their adult children.
Meyer & Kandic (2017) did a largescale research study on grandparenting in the United States and found that grandparenting varies enormously throughout the country. For some, grandparenting is the highlight of their later years and provides very intensive, even custodial care for their grandchildren, while others provide intermittent assistance.
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The study found that other grandparents are much less involved, due to such factors as stressful family relationships, complicated family trees, lack of proximity, limited time, insufficient money, poor health, or lack of interest.
When I became a grandparent, I fell into the first group of grandparents— my grandson’s birth was and is a highlight of my life. Even though we live on the East Coast and our son, daughterin-law, and grandson live on the West Coast, my wife and I are fortunate and grateful that we can frequently travel to visit and often watch our grandson.
Having just come off a quick weekend watching our grandson while our son and daughter-in-law were out of town, I’m still riding the incredible emotional journey of being with him and watching him grow and develop.
As an almost two-year-old, his language is exploding, and he is starting to develop a sense of humor. When he wants me to read him a book and he scoots backward into my lap, my heart just melts.
As a grandparent, I don’t have to make any of the big decisions that parents have to make, so I can just marvel at anything and everything he does. I know that the type of grandfather I am has been influenced by watching my father with my two sons. I have a picture on the bulletin board at my home office of my father and sons, when they were around 4 and 8, building a bed for my younger son’s “Arnold” doll.
This hands-on connection between my father and sons is repeated throughout many family photos and videos I have from that time. In one video, when my older son was around 10, my father patiently explained to him about all the different types of vegetation around their house.
In the video, I can hear my son asking my father specific questions to get more detail, and my father going with each question and answering them to the best of his plant knowledge.
I know that my father did not read any (grand)parenting books, but for each of his six grandsons, he was very interested in everything they did and loved nothing more than spending time with them. The impact of grandparenting on emotional, physical, and financial levels is varied.
Some people feel the connection immediately with their grandchild, while others need time for the connection and love to develop. It’s important to have space for all kinds of feelings around this lifecycle event. I recently heard from that same friend who was worried that they did not instantly fall in love with their grandchild.
They texted me, “wanted to update you. I love her. She’s 4 weeks old today, and it’s all good. Thank you for listening.”
