FROM TABORA WITH LOVE: My son, looking too sharp is not my cup of tea

Dear nephew Milambo,

Greetings from Dar es Salaam

I HOPE that by the grace of Liwelelo and the protective powers of the ancestors you are all fine, and that all my people in my beloved Ukumbisiganga are in perfect health.

Here in the confused city things are okay, apart from the dreaded heat which, as I told you, is driving me up the wall. But apart from that things are not bad at all.

Your aunt sends her warm greetings, and she is still making her final preparations before she can come over to wait for the birth of your baby.

The problem with your aunt is that sometimes she likes to concentrate on different things at the same time, which by the end of the day she ends up frustrated and I end up bearing the brunt of that frustration.

As I told you the dear woman is eagerly waiting to receive your new baby into this world, which means that she should concentrate her task on that issue, but I have to inform you my boy that it is not the case.

Of course on numerous occasions she has dragged me to several places to buy things for her journey to Ukumbisiganga, and just the other day she dragged me back to that dreadful and chaotic place called Kariakoo because she had to return some baby clothes she bought two months ago, simply because she did not fancy the colours anymore.

As I expected, the shop owners refused completely to accept the clothes, which is understandable, because it is not right to buy goods and then return them two months later, even if they are still new.

My dear son, I thought that at this age I should be in a good position to understand women in whatever form, but sadly I have to admit my son that I now know that l will join my ancestors without understanding them!

Right now we are in October, and Christmas is almost two months away, but your aunt, apart from huffing and puffing in preparation for the arrival of your new baby, is acting as if the celebrations are tomorrow, because she is running up and down making preparations for that too.

Just the other day I was sitting peacefully at home enjoying a very cold beer when she came to me and told me that she wants us to go for shopping.

I thought that once again she wanted us to go to the shops to buy more baby clothes and some more gifts for you and your wife and son when she comes over, but that was not the case, because she wanted us to go for Christmas shopping.

Of course I objected, because I was only on my second beer, and they were tasting better every second, but one lesson you have to learn my dear boy, is that once a woman makes up her mind, there is nothing to deter her….. so I had to obey and accompany her.

She took me to almost ten shops, looking at this and that, not deciding what she really wants, and we finally ended at a shop belonging to an Indian chap.

I was already exhausted, but she dragged me in anyway, as my mind kept on going back at the cold beer I left in the fridge. To cheer me up, she said that the shopping was for me.

My dear nephew, that day I had to try almost 50 outfits before she settled on several, and I had to object once more, because the selection she made for me honestly made me look like a retired country musician.

The Indian fellow who was tagging behind us all the time all along, was grinning like the cat which swallowed the canary, and every time your aunt asked him whether an outfit would be perfect for me, he nodded his head as if his life depended on it, and I have to admit my dear boy, I was feeling like strangling that Punjabi fellow.

My dear son, you know that your aunt is a wonderful woman with a very generous heart, but I have to tell you (don’t tell her though) that her taste when it comes to men’s clothes is outrageous, and I had to be tough and refuse her selection.

There was an outfit which she insisted that I should try it out, but to say that I looked like a retired clown will be an understatement of the year, because I looked like a mixture of an old Congolese musician and Idi Amin.

When I stepped out of the changing room, I was feeling ridiculous, but your aunt looked at me as if I was Don Juan, and proceeded to ask the Indian gentleman how I looked.

“You look marvellous sir, even Obama does not look as sharp as that, ” said the stupid fellow, and my hands developed an urgent itch of closing around his neck!

Anyway, I managed to come out of the shop with my selection of clothes tucked under my arm, but your aunt sulked and was in a terrible mood the rest of the day, and as I am writing this she is still sulking like a nursery school girl.

Anyway I think before next week she will be with you people in Ukumbisiganga, and I pray to Liwelelo to grant her journey mercies as she comes over.

I hope you will be able to organise transportation for her from the airport, and I will request that you go and pick her personally, because that is what we are expecting.

But when you go, please leave your wife behind, she will meet your aunt when she arrives at your place, because with her condition and the baby just a few days away is not advisable for her.

Please greet your wife and your son for me, tell them that if the ancestors grant me the chance, I will come over when the new baby will be a few months old, for now just prepare to enjoy the presence of your aunt.