Couples that savour together, stay together

DAR ES SALAAM: DECADES of research on couples has identified many patterns that can help predict the odds of a couple standing the test of time, but there is always something new to learn.

Now, an additional factor has shown potential to be important: how much a couple is willing to pause and appreciate their shared experiences. This newest study, which comes from research at The University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, included nearly 600 adults from the United States.

Their average age was 39, and 85 per cent were married, with 10 per cent engaged and 4 per cent in committed relationships that did not include engagement or marriage.

Slightly more than half were women. Participants were enrolled individually, without their partners. Individuals in the study completed an online questionnaire, called Joint Savouring in Romantic Relationships, that measured how intentionally they and their partners jointly showed appreciation for positive experiences they had had together.

This questionnaire was derived from the Savouring Beliefs Inventory, which measures the concept of savouring within individual experiences. What is savouring? Past research has indeed established that savouring is a practice that can improve the well-being of individuals.

What is savouring? Savouring involves an intentional pause to enjoy and appreciate pleasurable moments. It can involve anticipating them, participating in them, or reminiscing about them—but it always means that you are fully engaging with them in a positive way. Savouring is a way of being mindful about the good times in your life and being grateful for them.

Knowing this, the University of Illinois research team sought to see whether its benefits could expand beyond the individual and affect the It models accountability, emotional intelligence, and respect. What undermines trust is an insincere or deflective apology, especially one that shifts responsibility onto the child. For example, “I’m sorry I yelled, but you made me so angry!” is not an effective apology.

While it may sound familiar, it places responsibility for the adult’s behavior onto the child. Emotions are internal experiences. While another person’s actions may trigger feelings, our behavior in response to those feelings is always our responsibility.

A more appropriate apology might sound like this: “I yelled because I felt frustrated. I’m sorry I yelled. I’m going to try really hard to handle my frustration differently next time.” Notice the difference—ownership without excuses, intention without false promises.

When I make a mistake that affects my children, I expand this process further. After acknowledging the mistake, apologizing, and explaining how I’ll try to do better, I invite conversation. I ask if there’s anything they want to talk about. If they do, I listen. If they don’t, I respect that choice.

Then I ask if they’d like a hug. Sometimes they say yes. Sometimes they don’t—and both responses are valid. This approach fosters emotional safety, security, and a deep understanding of how to repair relationships. Problems with forced apologies Of course, children will make many mistakes of their own.

Accountability still matters. What doesn’t help is forcing apologies. When children are compelled to say “I’m sorry” without understanding or genuine remorse, we teach compliance—not empathy.

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Over time, apologies become associated with shame or power struggles rather than responsibility and care. Young children are still developing perspective-taking skills and often need help understanding how their actions affect others. Calmly narrating the situation and inviting reflection helps build empathy.

From there, you can offer (but never force) the opportunity to apologize or make amends. And remember, repairing harm doesn’t always require words. Rebuilding a knocked-over tower, replacing broken items, or including someone who was left out can be powerful acts of repair—especially for younger children. Parenting was never meant to be done perfectly.

It was meant to be done honestly, intentionally, and with humility. Mistakes are not evidence that you’re failing—they are opportunities to teach resilience, accountability, and connection. Embrace imperfection. Your children are learning far more from how you repair than from how you perform.

Embracing Parenting Imperfection: The importance of making mistakes quality of the relationship itself. After assessing the savouring scores of the sample, participants were also asked how satisfied they felt with their spouse or significant other, how confident they were that their relationship would last, and how much conflict they experienced in communication.

They also answered more general questions about their stress levels, their quality of life, and their general health. Less conflict, higher satisfaction, and more confidence in the relationship Indeed, the individual levels of savouring appeared to apply to couples’ strengths within the relationship as well.

Participants who reported higher levels of joint savouring with their partners reported less conflict with them, higher satisfaction in the relationship, and more confidence in their relationship standing the test of time. Notably, this protective effect of savouring was even more pronounced for couples who were experiencing higher stress.

Of course, this is a correlational study, which can’t prove causation. It’s not unreasonable to consider that the causal direction goes at least partly the other way: Do couples with higher relationship satisfaction have an easier time savouring their pleasurable experiences and endorsing them?

Might they have more positive experiences together in the first place, giving them more to be able to savour?

That seems quite possible. It’s also noteworthy that since participants were enrolled in the study individually and their partners’ answers could not be assessed, their recollections of how often savouring happens may not be particularly objective. But perhaps even the subjective endorsement of savouring is important, not just the experience itself?

That said, it’s clear that on a statistical level, savouring has a protective effect—and it’s certainly a behaviour that is hard to imagine having a downside. So, the next time you’re feeling like a relationship needs a boost? Think about how you might pause together and lean in to a fun memory, plan an exciting experience, or remember a beautiful day you had together. It might just keep the good times going.