Slapstick of foreign errors: How Simba and Yanga delivered continental disappointment in full colour

TANZANIAN football fans, dust off your bench at kijiweni, grab some kahawa and settle in—we need to talk about the latest CAF escapades of our football giants – Simba and Yanga.

If you missed last week’s continental games, you are probably better off.

Both clubs managed to turn what should have been promising campaigns into something resembling a slapstick comedy.

Simba, our Wekundu wa Msimbazi, scraped a 1-0 win against Angola’s Bravos do Maquis, while Yanga, the pride of Wananchi, were thoroughly schooled in a 2-0 defeat by Sudan’s Al Hilal.

Their performances were as disappointing as ordering a nyama choma platter and finding out it is all bone and tendon.

Let us start with Simba.

Their match against Bravos do Maquis was like watching a cat trying to catch its own tail: Amusing, frustrating and ultimately unproductive.

Their 1-0 victory was not so much a triumph as it was an accidental stumble across the finish line.

The goal came courtesy of Jean Ahoua, who converted a penalty handed to Simba on a silver platter.

Bravos’ defender, Edmilson, decided to channel his inner volleyball player and handle the ball in the box.

Maybe he mistook the match for a sports festival and thought a bit of variety would spice things up. Bravo, Edmilson—you have just made Simba’s fan base your unofficial sponsor.

Ahoua slotted the penalty with all the calm of a man borrowing his uncle’s car for a joyride. But that is where the calmness ended.

Simba’s foreign contingent, led by Steven Mukwala, then spent the rest of the afternoon auditioning for the role of Worst Finishing in Football History.

Mukwala, in particular, seemed to have a personal vendetta against the goalposts, firing shots that could have taken out a few pigeons perched in the stands but never troubled the net.

At one point, Mukwala’s wayward attempts had fans debating if he might be secretly scouting for a side hustle as a goalpost durability tester.

Each miss seemed more spectacular than the last, and by halftime, the VIP B section was on high alert for stray balls.

Simba’s defence, however, was the saving grace of the match.

Shomari Kapombe and Mohamed Hussein put in shifts so heroic they should have been awarded honorary medals by the Ministry of Defence.

Bravos, not to be outdone in the comedy stakes, missed a penalty in the second half that would have levelled the match.

Simba’s goalkeeper pulled off a save so dramatic it should have been accompanied by a slow-motion replay complete with a heroic theme music

And yet, despite all these chaos, Simba managed to hold on for the win.

As the final whistle blew, fans were left scratching their heads, wondering if Simba’s foreign players had mistaken the match for a sightseeing tour of Dar es Salaam.

Their only consolation was that they had managed to save the country’s honour which their Jangwani street arch rivals failed to the previous day….

If Simba’s performance was a comedy of errors, Yanga’s was a full-blown opera of tragedy.

Facing Sudan’s Al Hilal, Yanga started brightly, dominating possession like a toddler hogging all the toys at a birthday party.

Aziz Ki, the midfield maestro, orchestrated the game with all the flair of a seasoned chef whipping up a five-star meal.

Unfortunately, his teammates seemed to have forgotten the recipe.

The first goal was a defensive calamity of epic proportions. Al Hilal’s goalkeeper launched a long ball and Yanga’s backline parted like the Red Sea at Moses’ command.

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Adama Coulibaly strolled through, probably wondering if he had accidentally wandered into a Sunday soccer bonanza match.

With all the time in the world, he slipped the ball through the Djigui Diarra’s legs and celebrated with a shrug, as if to say, “Was that too easy, or is it just me?”

The second goal was a carbon copy of the first, but somehow even more painful to watch.

Another long ball, another defensive nap and Yasser Muzammil coolly slotted home.

At this point, Yanga’s defence looked less like professional athletes, wildly guessing where the ball might land. And they guessed wrong every time.

Is the obsession with foreign players to blame? One may ask. Maybe yes, and maybe no…

Both Simba and Yanga’s struggles point to a common problem: An almost amusing obsession with foreign players.

For years, Tanzanian clubs have operated under the delusion that importing players is the magic formula for success.

It is like thinking that sprinkling saffron on your ugali will turn it into a gourmet masterpiece.

Hey! Don’t get me wrong—foreign players can and often do bring invaluable experience and skills.

But in Simba and Yanga’s case, many of these imports have been about as useful as a solar-powered torch at midnight.

Mukwala could not hit the target if it were the size of Mount Kilimanjaro, and Yanga’s foreign forwards spent more time wandering around the pitch than actually playing football.

The issue is not just the players; it is the recruitment process.

You can almost picture the scouts watching a YouTube highlight reel of a player scoring against a team of 16-year-olds and exclaiming, “Yes! This is the one!”

Clubs then fork out hefty sums for these “superstars,” only to find out they are just ordinary players with extraordinary marketing.

Meanwhile, Tanzanian talent is left gathering dust on the sidelines.

Our local players, many of whom honed their skills on dusty pitches using ‘chandimu’ (rolled-up socks as footballs), are brimming with passion and potential.

They might not have the flashy CVs of their foreign counterparts, but they have heart—and sometimes, that is all you need.

Imagine a world where Simba and Yanga and all other clubs invested in developing homegrown players instead of chasing foreign names.

I mean, instead of spending millions on imports who cannot deliver, they could nurture young Tanzanian strikers who understand the pressure of playing for their hometown team.

Instead of signing defenders who panic at the sight of a long ball, they could train local players to read the game better.

Our clubs could take a page out of the playbooks of African giants like Egypt’s Al Ahly and TP Mazembe of DRC, who balance foreign imports with a strong core of local talent.

These teams don’t just dominate their domestic leagues; they shine on the continental stage.

So, is it time for change? Maybe yes. Maybe no…

If Simba and Yanga want to stop being the laughingstock of African football, they need to make some serious changes.

Starting with being scout smarter. That is, no more signing players based on flashy YouTube clips or dubious recommendations.

If you are going to bring in foreign talent, make sure they are genuinely better than what you already have at home.

Investing in academies is the second most important plan.

Tanzanian football needs a grassroots revolution. Clubs should prioritise developing local talent, creating academies that rival the best in Africa.

Last but not least, there is a need for demanding better coaching: Tactical discipline, defensive organization and clinical finishing don’t happen by accident.

Tanzania clubs need coaches who can drill their players and implement a clear game plan.

Looking ahead, one can see that Simba’s narrow victory gives them a glimmer of hope in their CAF Confederation Cup campaign, but they will need to seriously up their game if they want to progress.

Yanga, meanwhile, are facing an uphill battle in the CAF Champions League.

After their disastrous start, they will need nothing short of a miracle—or maybe just some competent defending—to stay in the competition.

For now, Tanzanian fans can only watch, wait and pray that the next chapter in these football series has a happier ending.

Because while we all love a bit of drama, we would much prefer a story where Simba and Yanga or any other club dominate Africa instead of one where they provide comic relief.

Still, if there is one silver lining, it is this: At least we have something to laugh about.

Mukwala’s wayward shots and Yanga’s defensive calamities may not win us trophies, but they have certainly made Tanzanian football entertaining.

And let us be honest—if you cannot laugh at your team’s mistakes, are you even a real football fan?  In the comedy department, Simba and Yanga are already champions.

Now, if only they could translate that into actual football success.