Emotional intelligence key to healthy relationships

DAR ES SALAAM: TANZANIANS have been urged to improve communication, manage emotions and seek professional psychological support to prevent relationship conflicts from escalating into separation and violence.

The advice comes amid cases of domestic disputes, including the recent death of Jane Urassa, who was allegedly shot by her husband, Laurent Kweka, following an altercation at their home in Bunju B, Dar es Salaam.

Kweka, a 48-year-old businessman, was subsequently charged with her murder at the Kinondoni District Court and remains in remand custody pending investigations.

Speaking during a seminar organised by the Ministry of Community Development, Gender, Women and Special Groups in Dar es Salaam on Tuesday, Professor of Religious Studies, Rev Dr Susulu Fedy said understanding personal differences, managing emotions and learning to resolve disagreements were essential to sustaining relationships and building lasting marriages.

“Understanding yourself and your partner is essential because it helps you recognise your differences, manage your emotions and find common ground,” he said.

Prof Fedy explained that emotional intelligence involved four key elements: self-awareness, understanding others, self-management and managing relationships.

Developing these skills, he said, could help couples address misunderstandings before they escalate into persistent conflicts.

He observed that many relationships began with strong feelings of love and excitement, leading partners to believe they had found their ideal match before fully understanding each other’s personalities and expectations.

However, as couples became more familiar with each other, differences in behaviour, communication and expectations emerged, sometimes resulting in disagreements.

“This is the conflict stage, when partners begin to recognise each other’s actual personalities beyond the initial attraction,” he said.

Prof Fedy warned that couples who failed to manage this stage risked separation or remaining in marriages characterised by unresolved disagreements and emotional distance.

He identified communication differences as another source of conflict, explaining that one partner might expect an immediate response during disagreements, while the other might need time to think before speaking.

He urged couples to practise patience, active listening and open communication rather than making assumptions about their partners’ intentions.

The professor also highlighted the influence of upbringing, noting that people entered relationships with different family backgrounds, values and behavioural patterns that shaped their expectations of marriage.

Rather than attempting to force their partners to change, he said couples should create an environment that encouraged personal growth and mutual understanding.

“One partner cannot change the other, but can create an environment that allows the other person to change,” he said.

He urged couples to practise forgiveness, tolerance and mutual support, adding that personal change required commitment and a willingness to acknowledge one’s shortcomings.

Prof Fedy further encouraged partners to focus on what they could contribute towards improving their relationships instead of concentrating only on what they expected to receive.

He noted that not every disagreement could be completely resolved, saying some differences required compromise and mutual acceptance to maintain peaceful relationships.

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To help couples understand how relationships develop, he outlined five stages: initial attraction, conflict, healing, teamwork and legacy.

He explained that attraction was often characterised by excitement that could cause partners to overlook differences.

Conflict emerged as they became more familiar with each other, while healing involved acknowledging disagreements, forgiving one another and rebuilding trust.

At the teamwork stage, couples began pursuing shared goals, while the legacy stage involved developing a common family vision, raising children and establishing values for future generations.

Prof Fedy said understanding these stages could help couples address challenges early instead of allowing unresolved conflicts to persist for years.

He also emphasised the importance of seeking professional psychological support when relationship challenges became difficult to manage.

Counselling, he said, could help individuals understand their behaviour, manage emotions and develop constructive ways of resolving disagreements.

He added that appropriate spiritual guidance could also support families facing challenges. Assistant Commissioner for Social Welfare and Child Services, Ms Happy Msimbe, said the ministry, in collaboration with various experts, had been conducting training and research on social welfare and community development to improve service delivery and promote citizens’ well-being.