Eleven beauty crowns, four organisersand one Ankal looking for trouble

DAR ES SALAAM: DEAR readers, I have taken the bold decision to register anew beauty pageant.

Before you scratch your head and say, “Ankal, ninisasa tena? Another pageant?”, kindly hold your horses, yourjudgement and, especially, your WhatsApp voice notes.

This one is different. This is the pageant of pageants, the mother of all beauty crowns: The Miss Tanzania

Pageants Pageant.

Kindly pronounce it slowly.

If your tongue gets stuck halfway, take some water and start again. Even the name needs rehearsals, you know…

Allow me to explain before anyone asks whether I have finally run out of photo ideas and started photographing my own problems.

Looking at the international circuits in Tanzania’s expanding pageant conversation, I count ten.

Miss World, Miss Universe,

Miss Grand International, Miss

Supranational, Miss Cosmo,

Miss Earth, Miss International,

Miss Global, Miss Africa Golden

and Miss Tourism.

Add the latest entry, Miss Afrikana International, where the Miss Tanzania 2026 winner is expected to represent us next year, and we reach eleven.

Eleven crowns, guys!

In my day, one Miss Tanzania was enough to keep a photographer running around Diamond Jubilee Hall with three cameras, an empty stomach and somebody shouting, “Ankal, na huku!” just when the winner was facing the other direction.

Naturally, an important question arises: Among the organisers behind all these sashes, who is the champion?

Who is number one? Who deserves to arrive at the next industry meeting five minutes late, knowing everybody will still stand up?

Somebody must decide. Since nobody has volunteered, your humble servant, yours truly, has stepped forward with a sharpened pencil, some chai and a calculator.

Then I discovered that weare looking at roughly four organising camps behind eleven international pathways. Even beauty now requires an organisational chart.

361 Degrees Africa runs Miss World Tanzania, while Millen Privé is behind Miss Universe Tanzania, with Millen Magese also organising Tanzania’s Miss Supranational participation.

Lamata Village Entertainment runs MissTanzania. Leah “Lamata” Mwendamseke’s new chapter also brings Miss Afrikana into the picture.

Then comes the MissGrand Tanzania camp, led by Nazimizye Adam Mdolo, associated with MissNazi Entertainment, a name also reported in connection with other franchises.

Its selection platform, according to the line-up before me, covers seven international destinations: Miss Grand International, Miss Cosmo, Miss Earth, Miss International, Miss Global, Miss Africa Golden and Miss Tourism. Seven tickets from one platform!

My friends, that is a delegation. If this were football,that camp would arrive with the starting eleven, substitutes, a team bus and an uncle who insists the coach should have selected his nephew.

Before anyone starts warming up, let me clarify the rules. The organisations will compete through their queens’ international results.

That is, their directors will not be required to walk the ramp, enter a swimsuit round or explain how they intend to bring world peace.

We already know the answer: “Through education.”The hall claps. The judges nod. Somewhere, world peace takes a note and says it will get back to us.

No, no. In this competition, it is the organisations that are competing, not their bosses.

However, should this inaugural edition succeed, I reserve the right to introduce a directors’ category next year.

I have already imagined Mustafa Hassanali negotiating a pair of high heels while his Swahili Fashion Week models sit in the front row shouting,

“Shoulders back, Mustafaaaa!

Chin up!!”

For once, the teacher would discover that the runway becomes considerably longer when your own ankles are responsible for the journey.

Lamata, meanwhile, could arrive in a magnificent costume inspired by her roots, with such cinematic flair that the judges would forget to award marks and ask when the next episode is coming.

Millen would probablymake the whole exercise look effortless, leaving the rest of us wondering whether confidence can be bought wholesale.

Nazimizye might bring seven outfits, just to remind everybody that she believes in options.

But let us return to the serious business, before somebody sends me an invoice for costume design.

The main rule is simple: Whichever organisation’s queen wins the principal international crown takes our championship. Full stop.

No sash politics, no lengthy submissions beginning, “With all due respect”, followed by absolutely no respect.

You bring the crown; your organisation takes the honours.

A proper crown, please. We cannot accept one purchased on the way home, even if the shopkeeper provides a receipt and writes “international” on the bag.

OK. So, suppose, by the Almighty’s grace, more than one queen returns with an international crown? What a lovely problem!

I would happily lose sleep over that. Usually, the things keeping us awake are electricity bills, mosquitoes and remembering where we put an important document.

In that case, the decision goes to you, ndugu wananchi, through an online vote, as is the norm in today’s beauty contests.

The same citizens who can identify Yanga’s midfield problems from a plastic chair in Tandale will surely manage to select a pageant champion.

And if there is a tie, we vote again. Another tie, another vote. We continue until somebody wins or somebody’s bundles finish.

I am prepared to sit with my laptop until Christmas, but Mama Ankal has expressed reservations, particularly about who will go to Ferry to buy fish while I am supervising national beauty affairs.

Her concerns have been received and forwarded to the appropriate national committee, which is also yours truly.

Now I can see a hand at the back: “Ankal, where will the champion represent Tanzania?

Miss Universe of Universes?

Miss Galaxy?”

Please sit down before somebody suggests Miss Milky Way.

We are already struggling with airfares on this planet. Our championship finals can remain right here at home: Tanzanian queens, Tanzanian organisers and Tanzanian bragging rights.

The winner gets the honour; the rest get another year to prepare their speeches about how judging should be improved.

But and this is a big but itshould not be in Dar es Salaam.

I love Dar. She is my city.

But even a good thing can become monotonous.

Imagine, every launch, every red carpet, every conference and every pageant finaleseems to say, “Dar es Salaam, Dar es Salaam, Dar es Salaam.”

Even the crowns must be tired of Mlimani City traffic.

Let us spread the glamour around.

Dodoma could offer the dignity of the capital, while Arusha has scenery that makes even an ordinary breakfast look like a tourism campaign.

And who knows?

Mheshimiwa Makonda may even throw in a street carnivore as a bonus.

Mwanza has Lake Victoria sunsets capable of doing half the make-up artist’s work for free.

Zanzibar brings spices, sea breezes and urojo, although we must schedule the urojo carefully. Nobody should negotiate a fitted evening gown immediately after a second helping.

Singida would give us a splendid central meeting point, with supporters arriving from every direction and still arguing that their preferred town was closer.

The venue, ndugu wananchi, belongs to you. Suggest somewhere with good hospitality, a suitable hall and hotel rooms availableto actual guests, rather than reserved indefinitely for somebody’s cousin’s wedding.

You may campaign for your town, but kindly explain its advantages.

“My grandmother lives there” is touching; it is not yet a hosting proposal. Unless, of course, grandmother owns a hotel.

So, where shall we stage the inaugural Miss Tanzania

Pageants Pageant? Send your suggestions, rally your neighbours and prepare your bundles.

Eleven crowns, four organising camps and one Ankal with a dangerously sharpened pencil: Surely ndugu wananchi can find us a befitting venue before Mama Ankal finds me another assignment.