Embracing single parenthood with grace, purpose

ACROSS the globe, and significantly here in Tanzania, we’re seeing a rise in single-parent households. Globally, around 8 per cent of households are led by a single parent, and 84 per cent of these are headed by women, representing approximately 101.3 million single mothers, according to UN Women.

In Tanzania, a recent study from Dodoma City found that about 35.4 per cent of households are female-headed, reflecting both global trends and local social dynamics.

This isn’t just a statistic, it represents millions of mothers and fathers, often navigating the beautiful yet demanding journey of raising children on their own.

While many embrace this role by choice, others find themselves in it due to life’s unpredictable turns. The dedication of single parents is truly remarkable, yet it’s important to acknowledge that raising children alone can bring unique emotional and physical demands.

Sometimes, the weight of these responsibilities can lead to feelings of overwhelm, impacting not only the parent’s well-being but also that of their children.

Recognizing these challenges, renowned psychologist Deogratius Sukambi offers a profound message of hope and collaboration. He suggests that while a parent’s love is boundless, involving a child’s father, or a positive male figure, can significantly enrich a child’s development, even if financial contributions aren’t always possible. The crucial element, he says, is a genuine interest in the child’s life.

“Economic success doesn’t mean someone is psychologically well,” he said.

He reminds us that while many individuals raised by single parents achieve great things academically and professionally, the emotional and psychological aspects of their development often go unnoticed.

“We shouldn’t just focus on development or achievement, while it’s true that some children raised by single parents may face significant developmental setbacks, we must also celebrate the many examples of thriving individuals from single-parent homes. The key is to understand the diverse needs of every child,” Mr Sukambi said.

He gently encourages mothers to remember that while their love is irreplaceable, a father’s or mother’s unique contribution to a child’s life is something truly special.

For parents navigating singlehood, Mr Sukambi advises keeping an open door to support from spiritual guidance, friends, family, and the wider community. When a biological parent is unable or unwilling to be involved, Mr Sukambi strongly advocates for finding positive father or mother figures.

“This could be a stepfather, a trusted male friend, a religious leader, or an uncle,” he suggests.

“Children, especially boys, benefit immensely from engaging with and learning from a male figure who can mentor them. It’s not just about biology; it’s about having a supportive presence a child can look up to.” He articulates the complementary roles parents play. “Psychologically, a boy is loved by the mother but raised by the father, while a girl is loved by the father and raised by the mother,” Mr Sukambi says.

This doesn’t diminish a single parent’s incredible efforts but rather highlights the benefit of diverse influences. A mother, for instance, is ideally suited to guide a daughter into womanhood, while a father offers unique insights for a son’s journey into manhood.

“When children have the benefit of both perspectives, they gain a richer understanding of themselves and the world,” he explains. “In environments where children are raised by one parent, it’s about consciously seeking out those complementary influences to ensure holistic development for both genders.” Mr Sukambi points to a critical observation, the growing societal concern about some boys lacking confidence, direction, or self-awareness.

He suggests that the absence of a consistent father figure in many households can play a role. “Single mothers have an incredible capacity to love their sons,” he affirms, “and that love is foundational.

However, they can empower their boys further by actively seeking male mentors who can provide guidance and embody positive masculinity.” Conversely, he notes that girls raised primarily by mothers often exhibit remarkable confidence and drive.

Yet, he advises, “for a girl to fully understand what it means to be a wife and mother in the future, connections with diverse role models, including those who model healthy partnership, can be invaluable. It’s about expanding their understanding of relationships beyond independence, fostering a well-rounded view of life’s possibilities.” He further said we want to ensure our children grow up understanding that healthy, supportive family structures, in whatever form they take, are the most nurturing path for them.

The journey of co-parenting after a relationship ends can be incredibly challenging. As one anonymous single mother shared, “Sometimes thinking how the man treated me, my heart fills with pain… I just hate him so much. But I know that it is important for the child to bond with his father.” Her story is evidence to the power of healing and prioritizing the child’s needs.

“Now I no longer hinder him… life has been easy for me while on the other side, the child feels so lively,” she says.

Isaya Kalembe, a father who fought for access to his son, echoes the sentiment that both parents are essential. He witnessed firsthand how a mother’s struggles, even with good intentions, could impact their child’s well-being. His determination to be present in his son’s life ultimately benefited the child’s academic and emotional stability. Mr Sukambi said that peaceful coparenting is achievable.

The key, he says, is for parents to make peace with the reality that their romantic relationship has ended and forgive each other and let go of past hurts, focusing instead on their shared purpose: nurturing their child’s future.

“This level of emotional maturity is attainable, though it takes commitment,” he said.

He added, “When parents can leave the past behind and step into their roles as parents first, the child benefits immensely.” He reminds us that for a child, the presence of both their father and mother, in whatever capacity, is the ultimate priority.

Mr Sukambi also offers insights into the diverse journeys that lead women to single motherhood, offering a lens of understanding rather than judgment. He describes different paths: Some women have witnessed past hurts in relationships and, as a result, approach commitment with deep fears. They may choose to raise children independently, driven by a desire to protect themselves and their children from similar pain.

For financially independent women, the traditional need for a partner may diminish. Their self-sufficiency can lead to a choice to raise children without a committed relationship, focusing on their own capabilities.

These are women who, perhaps influenced by their independence or past experiences, may inadvertently choose partners who aren’t ready for fatherhood. This can lead to unexpected pregnancies and the man’s withdrawal. It’s a reminder of the importance of discernment and clear communication in relationships.

A new generation of young women may view single motherhood as a valid lifestyle choice, influenced by friends, family, or societal shifts. This highlights how cultural norms evolve and shape personal decisions.