CHAN 2024: Morocco took trophy, Kenya took credit, Tanzania took notes, Uganda took offence

IT was supposed to be East Africa’s grand moment of togetherness, the longawaited debutante ball where Kenya, Tanzania and Uganda waltzed arm in arm to show off to the rest of Africa.

Three neighbours, one big family – Pamoja as the slogan proudly announced.

And yet, when the final whistle of the 2024 African Nations Championship blew in Nairobi, the only voice anyone could hear belonged to Kenya, congratulating itself so loudly that Addis Ababa probably filed a noise complaint.

Morocco lifted their third CHAN trophy, Madagascar wept happy tears at reaching their first ever final, Kenyans – never ones to miss a spotlight – seized the microphone and declared to the world: “We hosted the best CHAN in history!”

The applause was loud, the fireworks brighter and the chest-thumping so vigorous you feared Nairobi might need a chiropractor the next morning.

The problem, of course, was that CHAN had been cohosted.

That minor detail, that trivial footnote, that inconvenient truth: Tanzania and Uganda had also been part of the show.

Matches were played in Dar es Salaam. Fans lined up in Zanzibar.

Uganda even offered up its one major stadium. And yet, in the final speeches, you would not have known.

Not a mention. Not a nod. Not even a passing “cheers, neighbours.” Nothing.

It was the diplomatic equivalent of a wedding speech where the groom thanks his parents, his football team, his barber and his local boda boda driver, but forgets to mention the bride sitting right next to him. T

anzanian journalists could barely hide their smirks. Ugandan reporters scribbled notes so fast you could hear their pens scratching through the television.

Ordinary fans in Dar shook their heads as if someone had stolen their Sunday chapati.

And one sharp observer quipped that the silence was so loud you could hear it all the way to Zurich, where Fifa President Gianni Infantino was already rehearsing his next “football unites the world” speech with the enthusiasm of a man auditioning for Eurovision.

Infantino himself, perched next to CAF President Patrice Motsepe during the final, wore the look of a schoolteacher ignoring the children’s squabbles in the back row.

Motsepe declared this the “best ever” CHAN, which was true if your definition of success includes spectacular sibling quarrels.

Because make no mistake: East Africa’s three siblings behaved exactly like siblings.

Kenya was the loud firstborn, convinced it carries the whole EA household on its shoulders.

Tanzania was the calm middle child, rolling its eyes while quietly seething.

Uganda was the youngest, sulking in the corner and plotting to steal the TV remote later. The Kenyans had been in fine voice for weeks.

If boasting were an Olympic sport, Nairobi would win gold, silver and bronze, then livestream the medal ceremony on TikTok with hashtags #WeHosted #BestEver #YoureWelcome.

Give a Kenyan a microphone and he’ll explain, with diagrams, if necessary, how his country has achieved the impossible.

CHAN provided endless material: memes, GIFs, video skits, you name it.

Watching a Kenyan football fan online was like watching a circus juggler on a unicycle – exhausting, flamboyant and yet oddly captivating.

Meanwhile, Tanzanians handled their duties with quiet competence.

Security in Dar es Salaam was solid. Zanzibar’s Amaan Stadium came through in the nick of time.

The hospitality was warm enough to melt even a Malian defender’s stern face.

Yes, the e-ticketing system confused people (many fans looked at online tickets as if they were quantum physics), but still, Tanzania did its part.

And yet, when Kenya hogged the limelight, Dar’s polite shrugs masked genuine annoyance.

Uganda, poor Uganda, had been left with the short straw from the start.

Just one venue (Mandela National Stadium) and not a single glamour match to show for it.

No opening ceremony, no final, no confetti.

When Nairobi claimed all the glory, Kampala crossed its arms, stuck out its bottom lip and said nothing.

Sometimes silence is more powerful than shouting and Uganda wielded it like a weapon.

Now, all of this might have been funny – and it was – if it weren’t also rather worrying.

Because in 2027, these very same neighbours are expected to host the Africa Cup of Nations, the grandest showpiece of them all.

CHAN was supposed to be the dress rehearsal.

Instead, it turned into a slapstick farce where one sibling hogged the stage, the other raised its eyebrows and the youngest sulked.

Imagine, if you will, the planning meetings for AFCON.

Kenya: “The opening match must be in Nairobi, because Kasarani is the biggest.”

Tanzania: “Nonsense, Dar hosted Morocco, we deserve it.” Uganda: “At least spell our name correctly on the posters this time.”

Meanwhile, CAF officials will be in the corner, quietly Googling Ethiopian stadiums, just in case.

Suspicion lingers that Kenya secretly wants the whole tournament to itself.

Tanzania suspects as much. Uganda is convinced of it.

And Kenya’s behaviour at the CHAN final did nothing to ease those suspicions.

One Tanzanian fan asked, only half-jokingly, what would happen if Dar and Kampala refused to co-host in 2027.

Could Nairobi really manage on its own?

It was a rhetorical question, but it landed like a thunderbolt.

Behind the comedy, of course, CHAN had its very real problems.

Kenya was fined after chaotic ticketing and dangerous overcrowding at Kasarani, forcing CAF to cap capacity at 60 per cent.

Tanzania’s federation was fined 10,000 US dollars after fans got a little too creative with safety rules in Dar.

Uganda suffered from dismal publicity and empty stands.

And yet, despite all this, the football itself was lively, the hosts all reached the quarterfinals and the fans provided noise and colour.

Morocco deserved their trophy. Madagascar earned admiration. Kenya’s Harambee Stars looked surprisingly competent.

But the football was not what people remembered.

What lingered was the sound of Kenya patting itself on the back, so loudly that its neighbours could barely hear themselves think.

In the streets of Dar, the complaint was muttered under the breath.

In Kampala, the grievance was written in silence. On the internet, memes flew like arrows.

And through it all, Infantino and Motsepe smiled serenely, pretending not to notice.

Which brings us to the funniest part of all: the imaginary transcript of what one suspicious Tanzanian swore to have overheard during the final celebrations.

It went something like this: “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Kenya’s CHAN 2024. Yes, yes, the invitations may have mentioned East Africa, but really, who are we kidding?

“First, a huge thank you to… Kenya. Without us, this would have been impossible. The goals scored in Dar? Inspired by Kenya?

The tickets in Zanzibar? Approved by Kenya. “That match in Kampala that nobody watched. Organised by Kenya.

“We Kenyans are proud to say we hosted the best CHAN in history.

“The fact that Tanzania and Uganda were technically cohosts is, of course, a delightful garnish – like parsley on a plate. Nice to look at, but hardly the meal.

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“We also thank our President, who motivated the players with promises of cash, cows and possibly an extra lane on Thika Road. Truly inspiring leadership.

“As for AFCON 2027, fear not. Kenya, has it covered.

“Tanzania and Uganda are welcome to join – provided they behave. But if they don’t, we’ll just say we hosted it anyway.

“And now, please join us in a round of applause for Kenya – the host, the star, the Alpha and the Omega of CHAN success stories.”

At which point, polite clapping filled the hall, Tanzania and Uganda quietly left the room, Infantino stared at the ceiling and Motsepe demonstrated the art of selective hearing.

And that, in a nutshell, was CHAN 2024.

Morocco may have lifted the trophy, but Kenya lifted the microphone. Tanzania lifted its eyebrow. Uganda lifted nothing at all.

And East Africans lifted their glasses, laughed at the absurdity, and began counting down the days to AFCON 2027.

And sio mbali sana when the great three-legged race will resume – shoelaces untied, egos unchecked and microphones primed for another operatic solo.