Signs you’re having an emotional affair

DAR ES SALAAM: EMOTIONAL affairs can deeply impact your relationship, even without physical involvement. Recognising the signs early can help you address issues before they escalate.

This article explores nine key indicators that your friendship may have crossed the line into an emotional affair. What is an emotional affair? An emotional affair involves a deep emotional connection and bonding that mirrors a romantic relationship, even without physical involvement.

These affairs often start as friendships. Some platonic relationships might gradually deepen into emotional connections, especially if you find the person attractive or feel a mutual chemistry.

Even without the intention for these bonds to evolve into more, the boundary between a close friendship and an emotional affair can be subtle.

Emotional affairs might also lead to flirting and, potentially, sexual encounters. “A meaningful emotional connection is important for the foundation of any relationship, platonic or romantic. A friendship can evolve into an emotional affair when boundaries begin to blur,” says relationship therapist and expert Ivy Kwong, LMFT.

Emotional affairs can wreak havoc on your marriage or relationship as well as your family. You only have a certain amount of “emotional energy.”1 If you are focusing your energy elsewhere, it can start to have a detrimental effect on your relationships with the people closest to you.

What’s more, opening yourself up so much to another person always has the potential to turn into something more, especially if it’s someone you’re attracted to or who fits a type you might typically go after if you weren’t in a relationship already.

Friendships are fine, of course, but it’s important to recognise when things may be starting to cross the line. Signs of an emotional affair Here are nine signs that may indicate you or your partner is involved in an emotional affair: Frequent contact Emotional affairs often involve frequent contact.

This can include spending time together in person or regularly communicating when apart. Examples include talking at unusual hours, spending significant time texting, emailing, or video calling and potentially ignoring your partner, family, or responsibilities to keep in touch with this person.

It’s the neglect, especially, that turns this kind of behaviour from a close friendship into cause for concern. Think, for example, about how you might feel if your partner spent your dinner date or movie night together texting someone else.

Frequent sharing Emotional affairs are also characterised by a tendency to prioritise this other relationship to the point where you confide in them more than you do your own partner.

They become the first person you want to call with any “news.” For example, if you have some exciting news to share or you have had a particularly bad day, they are the person you call or text.

You may not be sharing with your partner very much at all. You might not be intentionally hiding things from your partner, but the lack of communication means that your partner doesn’t really know what is going on in your life.

It may also be a signal that you aren’t prioritising your relationship enough. Constant thoughts The person you are emotionally involved with can dominate your thoughts.

You might find it difficult to focus on anything unrelated. This person may occupy your mind from the moment you wake until you sleep.

You might even consider them when choosing your appearance, hoping they will notice. While emotional affairs start out as non-sexual, you might also start having romantic or sexual fantasies about this other person.

Feeling understood You believe this person really “gets” you in a way that even your partner doesn’t. You might feel that they have a lot in common with you and that you have a lot of shared interests.

This may sound a lot like a typical close friendship and it certainly may be just that! But if you feel this connection making you resentful of your partner or degrading your intimacy, connection and communication with them, it may be time to reassess your behaviour.

There’s no one sign that indicates you’re definitely having an emotional affair, but rather a collection of your feelings and behaviours toward this person, and how it is impacting your current romantic relationship.

Inappropriate sharing Emotional affairs may begin with conversations about work and other topics but they often shift into more intimate details about your life, relationships, personal issues and even your sex life.

This tendency to make yourself emotionally vulnerable while disclosing intimate details about yourself and your feelings deepens your attachment to this other person.

You discuss very personal topics, such as the problems in your current relationship. You share all or most of your problems and concerns with this person.

As you do this, you may also grow more unhappy with your partner, while simultaneously not taking the steps necessary to repair any issues in your relationship.

Signs you’re having an emotional affair Ages 8–13 shape woman she becomes Unfair comparisons As you grow closer to this other person, you may also begin to judge others in comparison to them.

You may frequently compare them with your partner, even to the point of getting angry with your partner for not doing things like the other person.

Because you are idealising this other person, your partner begins to look worse in your eyes. You may find yourself being more critical of your partner.

It also means that you tend to look for mistakes and overemphasise your partner’s flaws without giving them credit for their strengths.

These unfair comparisons also mean you overlook any negative traits in the person you are having an emotional affair with.

You may be falling prey to the fallacy that the grass is always greener on the other side. Spending more time together In addition to always being in touch with this other person, you spend a lot of time together in person.

You find excuses or create reasons to spend time with them. You might stay out together after work or make plans on the weekends with them.

You may even find excuses to avoid spending time with your partner so that you can spend more time with this other person. You might find that you get “butterflies” any time the other person texts, calls, or visits.

Secrecy You start to lie or keep secrets. This usually entails lying by omission. Not only do you not mention your talks, meetings, lunches, texts and phone calls to your partner, but you also take steps to hide these communications.

For example, you might delete messages from your phone or deny the communication you had when asked. You are hiding things or lying when you know deep down that the behaviour is not okay.

Would you be mortified if your partner heard a taped conversation between you or saw some of your spicier text conversations? If so, that’s a sign thing has possibly gone too far. Less time for your partner Your partner gets less of you while your special person gets more.

Whether it is less communication, affection, your thoughts, or your innermost world, your time and focus are taken from your partner and transferred to this other person.

Spending time with others outside your relationship and having emotional connections is not normally a problem.

It is when your connection with one person takes over your life, interferes with your relationship and becomes something that you feel like you have to hide that it becomes a problem.

One important question you should ask yourself: Would you be upset if your partner shared this level of intimacy with one of their friends? Signs your partner is having an emotional affair In some cases, you might be worried that your partner is having an emotional affair with someone else.

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Some signs to watch for include: •Your partner spends a lot of time at work or doing other things without you. •Your partner is careful to hide their phone and acts secretive about who they are communicating with online. •Your partner constantly talks about their close friend who they seem to share a special connection with. •Your partner start to criticise you and compare you to their friend. •Your partner seems to be drawing away from you and rarely shares information about their life with you.

Impact of emotional affairs These types of affairs can seem like a vacation from your everyday life. You only get the best of this other person, and they see the best of you.

You do not see them “24/7” and learn about their bad habits and less attractive features. Your image of them is mainly based on fantasy and an idealised persona, which will undoubtedly make this relationship very alluring.

Some ways that emotional affairs can affect your relationship include: •Betrayal and hurt •Damaging your partner’s trust •Damaged relationships with other family members, including children •Difficulty forming future relationships •Divorce •Feelings of guilt, shame, and anger •Reduce self-confidence •Worse communication between you and your partner If you think you are having an emotional affair, it may be time to seriously evaluate the state of your relationship with your current partner.

Even when such affairs do not cross the line by becoming physical, the impact can be just as damaging and put your relationship in danger.

The intimacy involved in emotional affairs can frequently have a degree of intensity deeper than a sexual affair because you are more emotionally invested.

“Emotional affairs can be just as damaging to a relationship as physical affairs,” Kwong says, “as they can involve secrecy, withholding, deception, and a redirection of emotional intimacy and energy away from the committed partner and toward the person they are having an emotional affair with.” Your partner may see this as the same level of betrayal as if you were in fact sleeping with the other person.