Signs a marriage cannot be saved

MARRIAGE can be a blessing, but it can also break your heart—especially if you think you’ve reached the end of the road.

There’s no easy path to the decision to divorce, and the journey through uncoupling is different for everyone. If you’re contemplating this difficult decision, you need to determine if your relationship is so troubled that your marriage cannot be saved.

Only you know whether you can or should repair your relationship. But there are signs that can help you decide when it’s time to divorce. And there are also signs that, with relationship counselling and hard work, your marriage can be saved.

Is your marriage worth saving?

If you and your partner are considering divorce, there are questions you might ask yourself and factors to consider before coming to a decision.

Ending a marriage can be incredibly complex and challenging. Admitting you may not love your partner anymore can be difficult. And even if you still love each other, that may not be enough to save a marriage. This can make divorce that much more difficult.

Counseling, either together or separately (or both), can help you with the decision-making process. Research published in 2020 revealed the most frequently given reasons for divorce from a sample of more than 2,000 people.

They were:

• Lack of love/intimacy

• Communication issues

• Lack of sympathy/respect/trust

• Growing apart

The best, most affordable online couples therapy, according to a therapist

Know the signs

There are some marriage concerns, like abuse, that should be absolute deal-breakers.

However, there are many more signs that are not so clear. Each of these issues should still be taken seriously. Keep in mind that deciding whether or not to separate is a very complex and personal issue.

Not all of the following signs alone indicate that your relationship can’t recover. Divorce is hard, but for many, it’s harder and more painful to live disconnected and disengaged emotionally from your partner. Indeed, the toll negative relationships take on physical and mental health can be huge. Some research suggests that chronically negative or abusive relationships can even shorten your lifespan.

Abuse

An abusive relationship needs to end. Abuse is never acceptable and no one deserves it or should have to live with it. It’s important to seek support if you are dealing with abuse in your marriage. Keep in mind that abuse is not always physical and can come in other forms, including emotional abuse and verbal abuse.

Lack of affection or intimacy

While couples may go through periods of more and less physical intimacy throughout their marriage, a sexless marriage could be a sign that there are underlying issues that need to be resolved in order for the relationship to survive.

Bigamy

If your partner led you to believe you two were the only people in your marriage, but then you find out that’s not the case—you’ve been deceived. On top of that, bigamy is illegal.

Criminal behaviour

Finding out your partner has a criminal background can be challenging to get past, especially if the crime is very severe. Not only is there a sense of broken trust, but you may question if you know your partner as well as you thought you did. It’s difficult to forgive lying in a relationship, and this is serious lie designed to cover up a serious issue.

Constant criticism

Is your partner always putting you down? This could be bad for your health. One 2020 study published in Health Psychology found that negative relationship quality after five years—specifically involving criticism received from a partner—was linked to an older adult’s risk of mortality. Criticism is also one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which clinical psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman use to predict the end of a marriage. The other three red flags: stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt.

Untreated addiction

It can be extremely difficult to be in a relationship with someone who won’t seek treatment for—or plainly denies—their addiction. The addiction may also contribute to job loss, therefore impacting finances, or be the root of most arguments between partners.

Shifting priorities

If you and your partner were formerly in agreement on big lifestyle choices, such as having children and where to live, but now one of you has changed your mind, you may be at an impasse.