Big ears, small mouth, healthy mind
THE pre-marital seminar is currently underway and today’s topic is “The Art of Good Communication in Marriage.” The presenter, a seasoned pro with just the right balance of wisdom and wit, takes the stage with confidence.
She breaks down the key ingredients of effective marital communication and that is listening, reasoning and understanding. She emphasises restraint in the urge to say “I told you so.” She points out, with a knowing smile, that men and women often speak different dialects of the same language.
For instance, a man might take a moment (or a whole evening) to respond to a question, while a woman, even with a splitting headache and dinner on the stove, will likely reply immediately and sometimes very politely too.
The secret, she insists, lies in patience and in recognising that your spouse is not a clone of yourself, but a unique mix of peculiar traits, background, and personality. Communication in marriage, after all, is less about winning debates or battles and more about understanding each other without losing your mind.
That was two years ago. Now we are married, with baby number one on the way. My friends tell me that men tend to avoid their pregnant wives as much as possible, apparently because we “nag too much” and expect to be treated like fragile porcelain dolls.
Pregnant wives, they say, sometimes make outrageous requests, expecting their husbands to move mountains to fulfill them. If it is not black soil from Mount Kilimanjaro, it is a rare herb only found in Timbuktu.
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I haven’t gone that far… yet. But now I am craving those flying insects that show up only during the rainy season, the ones that hover around lights and leave a mess everywhere. Not my fault. It is the pregnancy hormones.
My husband should know that. But if he’s already dodging me, is it wise to ask for them now, during the dry season? He might “accidentally” disappear to some far-off place, claiming he’s looking for them.
Am I losing my mind? Wait—no. I remember my husband is his own unique human, with his quirks and background. Maybe talking to him about my cravings and my suspicion that he’s avoiding me will open the door to better communication… and maybe even a plate of those insects.
Although the fundamentals of good marriage as relates to communication may make sense in theory, when it comes to the practical aspect, the same principle may work for one couple and fail miserably with another, as it happened in the following example.
Two young ladies got married around the same time, right when a hot topic was making the rounds: what to do with husbands who stagger home drunk, bang on the door at midnight, and demand entry like they’re auditioning for a noisy drama.
Both wives agreed on the same “brilliant” solution, lock them out and teach them a lesson. The first lady, a Form Four leaver married to a businessman, tried it a few times.
After spending enough nights curled up on the doormat, the husband decided the big bed that his wife has been occupying all by herself is probably worth coming home early for. They’re still happily married today.
The second lady, a university graduate with a highly educated husband, applied the same tactic… for years. He never changed—if anything, he just got better at sleeping outside. Eventually, they separated and later divorced. Same plan, same problem, but wildly different results—proof that communication in marriage is not a “one-size-fits-all” business.
Good communication in marriage is a journey requiring crossing rivers and valleys, climbing mountains and hills, to reach the destination. We heard somewhere that God had promised to put good women in all corners of the earth, for men to find them easily, with a pause at every corner, and eventually find the right one at one of the corners.
After reflecting for some time on the beauty of the woman he had just made and the way the snake deceived her easily, He decided to make the world round and had a big, prolonged, hearty laugh. The reason for that laugh is not clear as yet!
To the gist of this article – It may prove difficult to listen more than we talk when we innately have an overbearing need to be listened to.
Nonetheless, couples continue to navigate the maze that is communication with no black and white template as to what should be said, when, where and how, for proper communication and less contention to occur.
Two ears and one mouth implies that we listen more than we talk – there’s a time to talk, there’s a time to listen and also a time to consult our mind for better communication.
