SOME people say that at times I like to quarrel, that there are some moments when my whole body itches for a good fight, but I would like to use this space to strongly deny these allegations.
You see, I am a peace loving fellow, and my wife can attest to this, but there are some people who like to see me angry, I can swear to that, because that is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Recently there are some fellows in green shirts who belong to the chama tawala, who call themselves the CCM cadres, who nearly forced me to commit sacred murder.
Well, it is a long story, so I think I should start from the beginning, so that you can understand how a peace loving fellow like me can suddenly turn into a gnarling and roaring lunatic ready to send several souls to their ancestors.
For those of you who know me, they know for sure that there is some mysterious ambition of one day going by the title of ‘Mheshimiwa’, which means that I move from being an ordinary chips mayai eating chap to one who wine and dine on the taxpayer’s cash.
That means that I believe that one day I might move into the round building in the vicinity of Dodoma and spend some time taking very expensive naps and collect fat envelopes later.
That also means that one day I will be driving around in a massive car which guzzles fuel with a very healthy appetite, and create chaos in the round building at the slightest provocation, because that will mean that I am a democracy loving citizen who has the affairs of his people at heart.
So recently I decided to go to the town where the round building called Bunge Tukufu is located, a place called Dodoma, because I was told, in confidence, that the Chairman of Chama Tawala was going to be around, and that the lady who likes to call for order in the round building was also going to be there.
The reason why I wanted to meet the lady who holds the title of the Speaker was because I wanted to learn the tricks of getting kicked out of parliament, and how one can use his or her special talents in karate and judo in the round building.
So I decided to go ahead to Dodoma and try and get an audience with the inhabitant of the State House and the iron lady, and by Tuesday evening I was already in town.
I took my time going around the town, and visited such popular places like Chako ni Chako, a place where you can never for one moment complain of a dull moment.
It is at Chako ni Chako where I met Sudi, a fellow with a very hungry look who has a very close resemblance to a scared mouse.
If you are in dire need of juicy information concerning our waheshimiwa, then all you have to do is to buy Sudi several plastic bottles of that drink which has a reputation of delivering a double kick to a grown fellow, and he will give you information which can make a very good read if one is to publish it.
“Baba Boyi, I am telling you the truth, that fellow who is responsible for a certain ministry has another wife here in Dodoma, and I can assure you that his wife is not aware…….the woman has three kids by the guy, and the last time I saw her she was pregnant,” he told me one day.
Anyway, life was going smoothly until Thursday evening. I had gone for a cold swallow at a very noisy joint near the round building, trying to see if by any chance I might see the iron lady.
What I noticed was that suddenly the town looked very busy, as flashy expensive cars bearing government registrations zoomed into town, with people in green shirts and dresses in them.
These were chama tawala people, who invaded the town in large numbers, and later Sudi told me that there was going to be a party meeting the next day.
Three hours later I decided to go back to my hotel room. When I arrived at the reception, I saw a worn suitcase which closely resembled mine, and a close inspection revealed a pair of my favorite yellow boxers sticking out of one corner.
I asked the reception lady why my things were outside, and she told me that my room had been taken by a certain chama tawala fellow.
I told the lady if she was not ready to see the colour of fresh blood, she should hurry up and return my things to my room. She told me that she had direct orders to eject all guests who do not don the green shirts, therefore if I was not satisfied with her explanation I should talk to the manager of the hotel.
I took my bag and boxer and went back to my room, where I found the door locked from inside. I knocked the door loud enough to wake a dead person, and the door was opened by a fat fellow wearing a towel around his fat belly.
I walked in and placed my bag on the bed, and before he knew what was happening, I had taken his expensive suitcase and threw it outside. The fellow looked confused, and I told him that if he valued his life, he should walk out.
He started complaining, cursing loudly and telling me that I should return his suitcase if I knew what was good for me.
“Kijana naona hujipendi, do you know who I am? I am going to count to five, and by the time I finish I want to see my suitcase back in my room…….one…..two…..three”
When he reached five, I took him by the scruff of the towel and shoved him outside, and some of his clothes and belongings which were lying on the bed followed him closely. I closed the door and went to bed.