To Mama Boyi, football and Greek are the same

YOU see, when God created man, He left him with clear instructions, which included naming everything he came across.

Man was successful in this endeavour, and I could see how Adam went around the Garden of Eden, pointing at things and giving them names.

I can imagine how he came upon a lion eating grass as if it was a succulent goat rib, because at that time the lion didn’t know that grass was for the faint hearted.

“Thou shalt be called lion, and you madam will be called a lioness, so go ye forth and produce more of your species, which will be called cubs,” I imagine him telling the confused lion.

His mind went into overdrive as he came across a goat, which at that time it was not aware that a simple blunder was going to make it’s ribs part of a human delicacy.

“And thou, my friend, shall be called a goat, and your madam, in case you succeed in getting one, shall be called a she goat, and thy child shall be called a kid,” he told the amused goat which was having a hard time chewing on a tree trunk.

Anyway, Adam was doing a very good job, which impressed the big man upstairs, until the fellow started yawning and displayed all the signs of being bored stiff.

That is when God in His wisdom discovered that the poor fellow was bored and very lonely, that is why He put him in deep sleep and removed one of his ribs, and before the goat nearby could say ‘baaaa! “, there was a new creature.

God did not wait for Adam to wake up so that he can name the new creature, but one thing led to another, and before he knew it, the brand new creature was called ‘A Woman’.

Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, l don’t have to tell you what happened after that, but in short, that is where our problems started.

Some of us have these creatures living in our houses in the form of wives, mothers and sisters, mine is a woman we fondly refer to as ‘Mama Boyi’, who has helped me to produce two more creatures who happen to be my daughters.

In the modern day manufacturing industry, when a company develops an item, they are wise enough to include something called a ‘manual’, which sometimes is a piece of paper bearing instructions on how to operate that item.

For so many years l have always thought that when God created the woman and before He could wake up the snoring Adam, He should have left the poor man a detailed manual so that the chap could understand how the creature works, but up to now that has been a wishful thinking.

For most men, it is easier to understand how to operate a complicated machinery than understanding how women operate, and may thunder strike me if I am lying.

I have been married to Mama Boyi for quite a long time now, but believe me, up to now she is still a very confusing item to me.

For most boys, it does not take long for them to understand the simple rules of the game of football, because we always find ourselves understanding the game without anyone hammering the information in our heads.

Currently football lovers like yours truly are enjoying the Africa Cup of Nations being held in the Ivory Coast, but the problem is that unlike the international games, these matches are aired by local TV channels.

The problem with local TV channels airing the matches is that now you can watch the games in the comfort of your living room,  which means that we don’t have any excuse of leaving the house.

But for me I decided that no amount of threats from my wife would make me watch the games from home, because the day our national team was playing the Democratic Republic of Congo I nearly strangled her.

Believe me guys, explaining how a rocket works to a toddler is much easier than explaining the rules of football to my wife.

“Baba Boyi, why is that fellow in yellow running outside the field waving a flag instead of playing? ” she asked me innocently, and l told her that the fellow is called a linesman, and he is not allowed to play.

The game went on, and the Congolese were demanding for a penalty when they accused our player of handling the ball inside the box, and my wife wanted to know the reason.

In a calm voice I told her that handling the ball inside the box meant you have broken the rules and the opposing team will be awarded a penalty.

“These people don’t love our country, because that fellow wearing gloves has been handling the ball in the box all the time, ” she told me.

The final straw for me came when she wanted to know why our team did not qualify while the game ended in a barren draw.

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