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With proper training, I can make a good witch doctor

With proper training, I can make a good witch doctor

SO there I was, minding my own business and being a nuisance to no one, dishing out medicine and raking in some real money, and then something happened.

Oh, before I forget, this is a continuation of my last week’s adventure, where I had decided that languishing in poverty was not a good idea, and therefore I took the option of becoming a ‘witchdoctor’.

I had managed to acquire an office with the help of a fellow called Oscar the Hawker, and he is the one who got us the office, and outside I had put a makeshift banner with a very clear message.

“Mganga hatari kutoka Tabora anapatikana, ni yule aliye nyanyua msufi uliolala zaidi ya miaka mitatu! Ana uwezo wa kutibu Corona, Ebola, ngiri, michepuko na uchakachuaji wa kura. Pia ndoa zilizolala kwa mda mrefu ana uwezo wa kuzifufua”

What I came to realize in this city of confusion is that people like shortcuts very much, and it was with this in mind that Oscar advised me to add another item on the banner, declaring that we also deal with direct recruitment to the mysterious Free Mason.

But what got us more attention was in the form of a very tiny inclusion, that I, Dr Mavumbi from Tabora, can return the lost respect at home, in the form of increasing my patient’s sexual prowess.

A few minutes after we added that sentence on the makeshift banner outside our office, Oscar the Hawker came storming in my inner office, where Rama the Terrorist, my assistant, was busy mixing some concoction for a woman who wanted to teach her husband a ‘lesson’.

“Baba Boyi, I think we should remove those two items, the one about Free Mason and the one on male sexual performance, because the queue outside has reached the main road, and people are still coming in!” he shouted.

I was dead sure that what got the interest of most of my patients was the fact that they believed I was truly the chap who raised the kapok tree from the ground!

I told him to relax, because money was coming in smoothly…..actually it was like milking a cow, and Rama had a wide grin on his face as he counted the red notes piling up in the black bag we put specifically for that.

We had just seen off the woman when in came a fat, very old man, who told me that he wanted the ‘medicine’ on performance, and I was about to tell him to get lost and wait for his creator to call him home, but I remembered that we were doing business.

I told Rama to mix for him the medicine, and I have to tell you that it consisted of green tea leaves and dried, refined saw dust, and the fellow parted with 20,000/-.

In the whole exercise, I was wearing a mask of a ruthless Rugaruga warrior to add more effect to the whole act, and I ‘treated’ people, including my neighbours who did not realize that it was me.

I was dealing with a certain character who smelled to high heavens, and I was wondering whether the last bath he took was sometime last year, and who wanted to be recruited to the Free Mason, when Oscar burst in once again.

“Baba Boyi, I can smell trouble, your wife, mama Boyi, is outside, and she wants to cut the line and be the next to enter to see you. If we are not careful we will spoil the whole act!” he blurted out.

I told him to relax and let her in, and before long she was sitting right in front of me, looking as if she had the most important thing in the world she wanted to tell Dr Mavumbi……. I told her to carry on, in a very gruff voice I did not know I possessed.

“Dr, it is my husband, you see, he has neglected his family, and he is competing with fish when it comes to drinking…….what I want is for you to make him stop this drinking habit because it is driving me crazy, and by the way, I was told that he is eyeing a certain bar maid with devious interest, if you can, please make her disappear, and I will appreciate it if you can also make him hand over his paycheck every end month before he reaches Zakayo’s Pub………and by the way, he snores like an old, rickety locomotive!”

I did not believe what she was saying, and beside me, Rama was using a lot of effort to stop laughing loudly. I personally selected the medicine for her, which consisted of dried cow dung; dried spinach leaves mixed in powdered milk, and told her to mix in hers and her husband’s food.

She parted with 30,000/-, and I wondered where she got the money from. Mentally, I made a point of skipping eating at home for as long as it takes.

 Later in the evening, we were at Banjuka Pub in Manzese celebrating and congratulating ourselves for the good job we had done that day when two men, one as thin and ugly as they come, and the other built like a prize bull, approached our table.

“I think I recognize that voice, and these two fellows here. You are the one who gave me medicine to make me attractive to women, but the only thing that I have attracted so far is well aimed slaps and very depressing insults!” said the thin man.

I knew that even if I threatened to make him disappear it will be futile, so we decided to disappear fast!

If you want extravagance, foot the bill

TANZANIA is a very interesting country, and ...

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Author: ANTHONY TAMBWE

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