BABA BOYI: Smart phones are not that smart after all

THIS has to be told. As I am writing this, I have just been moved from the Intensive Care Unit and I am now recuperating in a normal ward here in Manzese Medical Hospital, after being unconscious for two days.

I was not involved in any recent road accident in this country, far from it, and I was not hit by a speeding vehicle as I was coming from Zakayo’s pub either.
Because I believe that if that was the case, then my injuries would not have been this serious, because I know that within a few days I would have been allowed to return home.
I was not attacked by Boko Haram either, and the Al Shabaab were not involved in any way in my current condition, don’t even contemplate a crazy bodaboda rider I always hire, who was not even there at the time of my predicament.
My injuries were sustained from the hand of a single person, a person who can make veteran, battle hardened commandos in the US army turn green with envy…a person who can turn a grown man into a weeping and broken child.
Folks, when they wheeled me into the hospital that day, I was semi-conscious, but in my fogy state of mind, I could hear a female voice asking the ambulance driver whether the car which had knocked me was identified and the driver charged.
“Madam, it was not a case of hit and run, this poor man was thrashed by his wife,” I heard the man telling the nurse.

Yes, people, mama Boyi was about to send me knocking on the Pearly Gates of heaven, where I was to be officially welcomed by Angel Peter and a host of other female angels (If they are there).

You see, I have always told you that the JWTZ are making a serious mistake by not recruiting the mother of my clan, because I strongly believe that she can single handedly deal with any enemy soldiers in a very professional way…….she is lethal in hand to hand combat and extremely dangerous with her frying pan firmly in her hand.

You see, for those of you who know me, then you are aware that apart from owning a collection of metal which is a sorry excuse for a car, I also own a ‘phone’ which is so outdated it cries at night.

The Nokia phone that I own has seen better times, and I know if it had the ability to talk, it would go down on its hands and knees and plead with me to allow it to retire in peace.

Apart from the fact that this phone is wrapped tightly in rubber bands and some parts held together with super glue, it has a habit of ringing on its own without when no one is calling.

That is why with the changing times and technology, I recently decided that I should not be left behind after seeing most of my friends sliding their fingers on the screens of their phones, all in the name of ‘touch screens’ and smart phones.

So I remembered that in my neighbourhood there is a character called Amos the X-ray, who got his name after people started believing that the fellow was blessed with eyes that have X-ray sensors.

The reason behind this is that Amos can smell money in any pocket, wallet or handbag from a mile away, and when it comes to phones, he can know you have a smart phone even before you take it out of your pocket.

So I went looking for this character and I found him in a bar called Triple B (Babu Babua Bar) in Manzese, and I asked him if he can get a good smart phone for me at a good price, and he looked at me with his blood shot eyes as if I had insulted him, his mother and his entire clan.

“Baba Boyi, you are insulting my intelligence, and it is only because I respect you that is why I will not demand for an official apology from you,” he said with a face which made me believe that he might break into tears any minute.
He asked about my budget, and as always, I told him anything cheap will do, and insisted that the phone, stolen or borrowed, should be clean (not traceable).

He looked at me as if I was the biggest fool walking on the face of the earth, before he pulled me to an empty table at the corner. Throwing furtive looks in all directions, he pulled nearly six phones from his pockets.

I bought one which showed some class, and gave him 50,000/- for his efforts, but not before he gave me a crash course on how to operate it, including how to create a security system.

These phones come with different modes of security, with some giving an option of numbers, letters or patterns….I chose the pattern, and after practicing for a few minutes, I had a security code which required your finger to move around the screen as if you are drawing the map of Manzese.

When I appeared with the phone at home that evening, my wife questioned why I needed to put a password on it after she tried to access it, and I responded to the effect that nowadays smart phones cannot operate effectively without a password.
Anyway, after several days, what I did not realize then was that mama Boyi had been watching my finger patiently every time I unlocked my phone, and recently when I came back from Zakayo’s Pub after celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ, I went to sleep and left the phone charging.

The mother of my clan, after making sure that I was in dream land, took the phone, and after a few attempts, she managed to unlock it, and the first message she came across was from Shariffa, the counter lady at Zakayo’s.

‘Nimemuona mkeo leo, angejua vurugu zako sijui ingekuaje’, which roughly means ‘I saw your wife today, if only she knew how rowdy you are’.

Before you start pointing fingers and accusing me of infidelity and entertaining a ‘small house’, that poor lady meant the havoc I created at Zakayo’s when I offered everyone a beer.

The first strike of the frying pan woke me up, the second one made me extremely dizzy, and the third one I lost consciousness.